Special

Friday, June 29, 2012

At school, I saw my principal walking ...

At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him whathappened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"

 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Not my internet history, please!

I would like to present my client`s internet search history from that evening. I`d rather just confess to the murder.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

3x Runner Fail

Fail Fail Fail

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Hey Cat!

Hey Cat! What? tongue

Monday, June 25, 2012

Bad Motivational Speech

Bad parental motivational speeches. A teacher? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money.

What's green and has wheels? Grass. I ...

What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

What did the mermaid do last Saturday ...

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? She went out with the tide.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

General Sherman is marching through the...

General Sherman is marching through the South, and passes Stone Mountain in Georgia. On top is a lone rebel, hurling insults down on the Yankees.

Sherman sends ten men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, the men don't return, and the rebel appears again on top of the mountain, yelling insults.


Sherman sends a hundred men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, the men don't return, and the rebel appears again on top of the mountain, yelling insults.


Finally, Sherman sends a thousand men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, a one wounded man crawls back down. "General," he gasps, "it's a trap! There's two of 'em!"


 

I love your ass

Roses are red i love your ass

Friday, June 22, 2012

The American Dental Association recent...

The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of theYear" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.

 

Then there was the guy who fell into a...

Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass afterdrinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made ofhimself.

 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf ma...

Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf man?

A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN??!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

How did the alien tie his shoes? With ...

How did the alien tie his shoes? With an astroknot.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Holmes and Watson have come out of a co...

Holmes and Watson have come out of a country pub at the end of a long night of quaffing warm ale. As they wander down the road, they can just make out a tree in the darkness and head over to answer the call of nature. As they are mid-flow, Holmes asks Watson what he can deduce from the sound of his stream. Watson replies that he believes the tree to be an oak of between 100-150 years with some disease in the past causing a hollow in the centre. As he expounds further, Holmes cuts him off and snaps, 'From the sound you are making I deduce that you are pissing on my shoes'.

 

Thor | Avengers

THOR TERMINA-THOR DOC-THOR PHILOSORAP-THOR HIPS-THOR

Monday, June 18, 2012

What did the farmer say when he lost h...

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Durex: Happy Father`s Day

To all those who use our competitor`s products: Happy Father`s day

What do John the Baptist and Winnie th...

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name!

Fake Friends | Quote

Fake friends are like shadows, they follow you in the sun, but leave  your side when it gets dark

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Keep Calm - Headshot


What does one star say to another star...

What does one star say to another star when they meet? Glad to meteor!

Friday, June 15, 2012

What do you call a slow hurricane? A s...

What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.

A certain leisure complex had a cinema...

A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, thecinema screen fell into the pool. The owners left it there and used it as adive-in theater.

 

Why did the invisible man look in the ...

Why did the invisible man look in the mirror? To make sure he still wasn't there.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The miserly squirrel never found a mat...

The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on aprenutshell agreement.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Why are doctors sued for malpractice a...

Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach? Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

 

Stop pissing me off!

Stop pissing me off! I`m running out of places to dumo the bodies

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Doctor to a woman: The good news is you...

Doctor to a woman: The good news is you don't have PMS...the bad news is your a bitch

Chicken attack

Chicken attack dog falcon kick

Monday, June 11, 2012

q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and g...

q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you?

a: A pool table.


 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

What did the ruler gain a reputation f...

What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? Straight talk.

Cars have sex too

Cars have sex too

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Where are my socks?

Where are my socks? They are behind the couch...

Game over!

Insert coin. Play. Game over.

Dying inside

Hearing something that kills you  inside, but having to act as if you don`t care is the worst.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Evil furniture

Evil furniture

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Getting Attention

Sometimes the best way to get someone`s attention is to stop giving them yours

Don`t read my mind!

If you could read my mind I`m sure you`d be traumatized for life

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Man who walk through airport turnstile ...

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok

What do you get when you cross the Atla...

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

What's black and white and silver and c...

What's black and white and silver and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a harpoon through her head.


 

The new guy in town decided to take a f...

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.


A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.


Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.


The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"


The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"


 

Monday, June 4, 2012

q: what's brown and sits on the piano, ...

Q: what's brown and sits on the piano, steaming ? A: Beethoven's 1st movement.

How It`s Made: Panda Bears

How It`s Made: Panda Bears

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Me and my Mom